BUENOS AIRES -- Buenos Aires Dolphins owner Jorge Lopez is a man who is accustomed to getting what he wants, when he wants it. His instincts have served him well in his life in business. Lopez inherited majority ownership of his father's multinational Environmentally Viable Investment League corporation (EVILCORP, as it is known on the New York Stock Exchange). Lopez's aggressive course of business has made billions for the company, but he has generated criticism from activist groups over his company's frequent disregard for environmental, labor, beauty, ethical, and in some cases sexual standards.
This time, what Lopez wants is a new place for his Dolphins to play. Last Friday, his ownership group released blueprints for a state-of-the-art new stadium. 25% of the stadium's seating would be dedicated to luxury suites, and it would debut a novel idea, a ban on children at the stadium, enforced through the regular deployment of a chemical known to soften the skulls of "pre-pubescent humans" according to the group.
"I love baseball," said Lopez in his presentation, "and a lot of my friends do too. But what they don't like is having to mingle amongst the non-luxury fans and their non-luxury children. This way, the luxury and non-luxury customers will be completely separate! Just as they prefer!"
Asked whether the skull-softening chemical would be deployed in the luxury suites, Lopez replied, "Of course not! It is extremely important for our brand to develop loyalty among luxury children!"
On Friday night, hours after the stadium proposal was released, a bill was brought before the National Congress of Argentina proposing that funds be diverted away from the public school budget toward providing 110% funding for the new stadium.
"The Buenos Aires Dolphins, thanks to the hard work and dedication of the terrific smelling Jorge Lopez, are an Argentinian institution," said Senator, former EVILCORP lobbyist, and probable descendant of escaped Nazi officials Javier Schmidt. "Providing the funding for EVILCORP Stadium, the new home of the Dolphins, will create jobs for regular hard-working non-luxury Argentinians and promote business near the stadium."
Asked why it was necessary to fund 110% of the stadium project, rather than simply 100%, Schmidt accused the press of being un-patriotic and began sweating profusely and screaming loudly and incoherently.
The proposal is expected to pass quickly through both houses of congress, and the president has indicated that he will sign it, "So hard." But Lopez is believed to be floating the idea of moving the franchise just in case. In recent days, he has been tweeting what are believed to be various new names for the team. Monday his tweet read simply "Lima Dolphins", Tuesday, "La Paz Dolphins", Wednesday "Bogota Dolphins", and so on with several other major Latin American cities.
Lopez's employees seemed blind-sided by the recent actions. GM Jake declined comment entirely, as did all of the players with the sole exception of Abilio Boye, who said only, "We'll see about all that," before declining to elaborate.
It remains to be seen how the swirl of rumors and discord will affect the Dolphins' morale, as the team seeks to defend its title as WBA champions in the upcoming playoffs.
-Dan Farnell
Dan Farnell is the beat writer for the Buenos Aires Dolphins. He does not believe anything that those bad people say about Jorge Lopez, whom he has smelled many times at close range, and compares favorably (in terms of scent) to the finest potpourri.
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