Who is He? Despite hot start, confusion abounds in Melbourne

[Dan Farnell]

MELBOURNE -- Rookie sensation Hung-k’uei He has taken the IBL by storm this April. In 3 starts for his Melbourne Meteors he has tallied 20.2 innings, 17 strikeouts, and a 3-0 record. His ERA stands at a sparkling 0.44. Given the young hurler’s success, one might be forgiven for assuming that his presence has led only to positive feelings among the Melbourne coaching staff. But that assumption would be incorrect. According to multiple sources close to the club, tempers flared in a coaches’ only meeting preceding He’s most recent start. The following is a transcription of the conversation that was had in that meeting.


Hung-k’uei He

MANAGER: We need to win this game today, fellas. Who we got pitchin’ for us today?

PITCHING COACH: I’m feeling great about today’s game. He’s starting for us, and he has looked amazing in his side sessions all week.

M: That’s great to hear. And who is it that’s gonna be starting for us today?

PC: He’s pitching for us today, skip.

M: Who is?

PC: Who? Who’s that? There’s no Who on this team?

M: Of course there’s no Who on this team! But I’m asking you what is the name of the pitcher that’s starting today?

PC: Don’t take a tone with me, pal. I already told you. He’s pitching today.

M: And what’s his name?

PC: He

M: What’s he name? You need a grammar lesson, pal. It’s his.

PC: Oh so now I’m an idiot? Now I can’t speak the language? Listen asshole, I’m trying to tell you a simple fact about today’s game, and you’re flying into hysterics. He. Is. Starting!

M: Who?

PC: There’s no Who on the team!

M: Ok. Ok. Let’s just take a deep breath. Listen. I’m sorry for getting angry before. I didn’t mean to insult you. You’re doing a fine job with our staff. I simply wanna know something about the guy that’s pitching for us today. Who is he?

PC: The pitcher

M: Exactly

PC: Exactly

M: Exactly! Wait, the pitcher? What do you mean?

PC: Yeah. He’s the pitcher. Exactly

M: Ok. And let’s say you wanna get the pitcher’s attention. Maybe you wanna show him a new grip. Whaddaya say to get him to come over to you?

PC: I’d say come look at this new grip I wanna show ya.

M: God dammit! Don’t get smart with me! I could put you through that window motherfucker!

PC: You know what, I’ve had just about enough of this. I don’t need to take this shit from you, pal. I’m gonna go take a walk. Anything you need from me you tell Bench Coach to bring it to my attention.

M: Good! Leave! Maybe Bench Coach can tell me who the hell is pitching for us today.

PC: He’s pitching!

M: The bench coach? He’s 67 years old! How the fuck is he gonna get anybody out?!

PC: You know you should really go talk to someone, pal. You’re losing it, man. You’re seriously fucking losing it. I’m outta here.

***

At press time, it is unclear whether the pitching coach intends to return to the team. It also remains to be seen how this internal strife will affect the Melbourne Meteors moving forward. Reached for comment, Meteors GM Melbourne - Bob said, “Dan, there's a lot of confusion here. I haven't actually heard the transcript yet. That thing you played for me might have been faked, or I could have misheard. I'm not going to comment further at this point.”

This writer only hopes for a solution that preserves the young career of this promising arm. Hopefully, He will be able to ignore the controversy now swirling around He. If he is able to remain focused through this adversity, then He will be sending a message to the WBA that, as the old US Army recruiting slogan goes, he is going to be all that He can be. Hehe.

-Dan Farnell