BUENOS AIRES -- When Jorge Lopez ordered Dolphin Stadium demolished, he likely expected that he would be crushing the movement that had risen in opposition to his plans for a new stadium. The opposite has happened. Millions have flooded the streets of Argentina. Protesters have surrounded facilities at several EVILCORP manufacturing facilities throughout Latin America, blocking trucks, prompting labor strikes, and in some cases halting production for days.
Today, Lopez has responded, declaring in a public statement that he will move his Dolphins to the Galapagos Islands. Over the past 2-3 decades, despite the objections of nearly every environmental group on the planet, the Lopez family has turned the Galapagos into their own private island chain. Technically speaking, the archipelago remains part of Ecuador, but the Lopez family is widely believed to have signed a charter with Ecuador, which grants them extensive autonomy over the island chain. In 2114, a jurisdictional battle developed over a murder that occurred on the island. Ecuadorian law enforcement sought to investigate the crime, but they were eventually rebuffed by the Ecuadorian president himself. The murder was never seriously investigated, and the Ecuadorian president has since been seen several times smoking weed out of a bong while floating down the Lopez family’s prized lazy river. In his defense, in all the photos, not even critics dispute that it looks like he’s having an awesome time.
Artists rendering of Lopez Lazy River
Lopez already has workers building a baseball stadium in the Galapagos. Undeterred by the island’s vanishingly small year-round population, Lopez’s statement says that the new stadium will be the first ever to be 100% luxury seating. According to the statement, “This means there will be no need to deploy any skull softening chemical to keep the non-luxury children at bay.”
One hurdle for Lopez would presumably be the WBA’s constitutional requirement regarding a minimum population for WBA cities. However, sources close to WBA commissioner Huck L Berry have indicated that the requirement is likely to be waived.
Reached for comment, Dolphins GM Jake said, “If it’s true, I’d really miss Buenos Aires. The fans. The memories here. But the baseball is really what matters to me. If I have to move to Mars to be the GM of this club, that’s where I’ll be.”
A frustrated Abilio Boye said, “Dan, I already told you all I’m gonna tell you. We will see about that. That’s all.”
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