SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic: Andy Stone has filed for free agency. The Melbourne Meteors, who owned him for about two weeks, made an extreme effort to prevent him from signing, possibly even bending the law in the process. This is one reporter's story of the craziness.
Saturday, November 31, 2109, 10:00 AMAt ten o'clock in the morning Melbourne time (AEDT), Andy Stone went to a local café for some breakfast. He was met at the café by two agents for the Meteors, wearing bright orange suits. They pushed an envelope containing a contract at him, along with a pen. Stone glanced at the contract, then re-read it. He appeared to be considering the deal when his agent, Scott Boras V, burst in the door. Boras apparently puts GPS transmitters on his players. Boras ran in, read the contract, and carried it to the coffee machine, where he proceeded to drown it in coffee.
Saturday, November 31, 2109, 4:00 PMAt approximately 4 PM AEDT, Stone and Boras drove to the airport. Their target was a 7:35 flight from Melbourne to New York. From there, they would fly from NY to Santo Domingo to officially give the free agency papers to the league commissioner. After clearing security, Stone and Boras walked to their gate, where they waited for the flight. At approximately 6:41, Boras went to the bathroom. One man who had been waiting at the next gate immediately ran to Stone and shoved the contract and a pen in his hand. Stone took the pen and the contract, but two of Boras'
minions assistants ran in and shredded it in a compact paper shredder.
Saturday, November 31, 2109, 7:00 PMAt 7:00, approximately 10,000 Meteors fans came to protest Stone's free agency. Most of them stayed outside so Stone would see them when the plane took off, but some of them went inside the airport to try to prevent Stone from leaving. At 7:04, as the plane was boarding, they rushed to the plane and formed a human barricade of approximately 200 people. Rumors that Meteors GM Bob Weinberg was in the crowd have not been confirmed. Apparently, Meteors officials had been distributing copies of Stone's contract to the protesters, so as the plane boarded, every person present pulled out a contract and a pen, and swarmed Stone. Boras had disappeared by this point, so Stone looked free to sign. But Boras then appeared with a steamroller and proceeded to drive towards the crowd, shouting "Don't think I won't run you over!" The crowd scattered immediately and Stone boarded the plane. It is not known how Boras got a steamroller into the airport, but the head of security is reportedly a Rome Generals fan.
Sunday, December 1, 2109, 7:00 AMAt about 7 AM New York time (EDT), Stone and Boras emerged from their hotel. They had planned a visit with the New York Empires, but they just announced a relocation and are currently in Ottawa. Stone wanted to do a little sightseeing before their 2:00 flight to Santo Domingo. Three orange-clad ninjas pulled Boras away and handed a contract to Stone. Boras then hit the ninjas with nunchucks and grabbed the contract, which he later burnt, and threw the ashes off of the Empire State Building.
Sunday, December 1, 2109, 6:00 PMWhen Boras and Stone got out of the airport in Santo Domingo, they were met with another large protest. Apparently, some Palmchats fans got fed up with management and switched loyalties. Meteors fans tried to stop Stone from leaving, but Boras got him out through a secret tunnel.
Sunday, December 1, 2109, 11:30 PMStone and Boras pulled up to the commissioner's house in Santo Domingo at 11:30, due to some unexpected difficulties renting a car from the Australian manager. When they emerged, they found multiple other agents and players, including Kipchoge Kemboi, outside his house. It was blocked by fans of many different teams. When Stone and Boras emerged, the Melbourne contingency booed loudly. They tried to block the way, but fans of Rome, Mumbai, Buenos Aires, and Sao Paulo, wearing their dark green "Stone Brigade" shirts, tackled the Meteors fans and cleared a path for Boras. The commissioner answered the door and took the papers. A blow dart fired by a Meteors fan at the commissioner was blocked by a member of the Stone Brigade, who later was treated at the hospital for amnesia. Stone's papers were deemed "all in order" and is now a free agent.
Marcus Comet
Marcus Comet followed Andy Stone around for three weeks. He is now flying to every meeting Stone has with every team.
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